Monday, June 07, 2010

I'm Better Off When I Hit The Bottom




Since March 21, 2009, I have had some pretty complicated health problems. The more that I had to go through, the more doctors I had to see, the more I found I kept falling farther from better, the more I had to lay in my bed and look at the ceiling...I never thought I would find happiness again. The sadness has been HEAVY. I thought finding out I had an eating disorder was the worst thing I could do to myself, but all this wasn't my fault. There isn't a cure or understanding to Endometriosis, nor is there anything good that happens when you are 23 and have to take Lupron Despot injections to get rid of pain caused from surgery. I lost all my energy, my dancer's body, my self-worth, and my sense of self.

September 12, 2009, I started to pass out for no reason that we knew of and it was going on about 12 times a day. Once again, I had to stay in bed in order to keep myself safe, have CONSTANT supervision, see more doctors, and take many trips to the ER and a stay in the hospital. Finally, I started seeing a doctor that treats Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP) and Dysautonomia, which I have always known I've had. Seeing this doctor, I had confirmation that A) I wasn't crazy and there was something wrong with me and B) There was hope and the need for patience. 9 months later, I am still passing out but it might be once a day IF that, but I have had to try lots of different medicines and one in particular made me SO sick. I drink loads of water and eat anything salty. I am finally feeling like I'm out of the darkness.

When you are so low the only thing you feel you can do is turn over in bed, you have to push. You have to fight. You have to pray. I could be someone that said, "God, why are you doing this to me?" every day, but instead, I started to see that He was teaching me patience, compassion, love and strength...within myself. I never really had that and it was my own ignorance, not because of lack of encouragement. I've lost some things, but nothing that I can't see in view. I am getting better and instead of feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like I'm out and looking for the right direction to go next.

And the best thing is, I know who is guiding me and who has been guiding me for a very long time.

Always.

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