Sunday, September 19, 2010

Making a fresh start...again

For so much of the last year and half, I thought that it was me. I thought that all my feelings weren't justified and that if I kept repeating the things I thought were right out loud, they would be. It never happened. It never worked. It will never work because if you really don't feel something, you can't make yourself start to feel it. My mistake was thinking that because what I really wanted with someone else never happened, because I never said it out loud or voiced it enough, it could change if I did say what I thought I should have with someone I only had lukewarm feelings for. That sentence barely makes sense, but I'm writing as I think it. I have to get this down! You see, I was happy for some months in my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. But then when I got sick from a slightly unsuccessful surgery a few months before, everything changed. I was always sad and I was always in pain. I thought that it was my fault for not trying hard enough to be a wonderful girlfriend and supportive and not feeling like I couldn't be away from him all the time confused me. I have always needed my space, no matter who I was dating, but I remember my first boyfriend and there were days where he would have to be out of town or something and I would ache for him. I never did that this time. And this time I thought he was the one I would marry. For one reason, he stuck around when I had a migraine or when so many problems occurred with my Endometriosis and then when the Syncope hit. Another was that he was also waiting until he was married to have sex and whatnot and there was never any pressure to do something I wasn't ready for. (I've had so many relationships that ended on that one note. I'm pretty calloused.) Sure he made me happy at times, but more often he made me furious. He never remembered anything, and I literally mean anything. I had to get him a notebook that he could write things down in so he could tell me. Another, he showed off too much about some of the private things we had together. He never complimented me or encouraged me. He never made me feel special or cherished. I know he loved me and I believe he still does, but I don't think I loved him as much. I wanted to create a life with him, but the longer it seemed to take for him to get started on his career and his master's degree, it seemed like I'd be 30 before I'd even get a ring! (And all our plans were based on him finishing things and getting permanent living accommodations, never what I wanted to finish before I got married and I guess he assumed that because I was sick I never would finish? I don't know what he thought, I never asked.) He never pushed himself to be what he wanted and instead stuck to being who his parents brought up and thrived on. After seeing him with his family with no airs of just being there a few hours or so, it was amazing to see that he wasn't the "whipping boy" as he had always told me. He was the perfect child. And whatever they said to do, he did, even if it meant hurting me. His acceptance of mediocrity was his pride and joy. I could never live like that and I don't. I've been taught to be who I want to be and stand strong for what and WHO I believe in. I'd like to think I've never faltered in those areas, but if I have, I've felt guilty for not doing what was right. What felt right. For so long, this relationship didn't feel right and I could never really put a nail to its head until I saw this person change in a literal blink of an eye. He wasn't who he claimed he was, he was his parent's perfect concoction with a rage and hatred no person should possess. He did EXACTLY as he was told, even though it affected me so deeply I didn't know what to think. He never treated me indifferently until his parents showed him how to. And that was the end.
I am a strong young woman. I have my own thoughts, dreams, likes, dislikes, tastes, tolerances, faults, messes, wants, needs, mannerisms, etc... My parents made me thanks to God's beautiful design, but I am not a pet child that they trained. Especially because I was taught not to NEED a man, but to WANT one. They gave me tools and guidance and still do when I ask for it or if they see the train coming and I'm blind to it, but thats it. I am so thankful for that and they respect me for who I became and still work on becoming. They love me and my gosh, I love them so much! I don't know what I'd do without them!
...But I never felt that way about him. I'd think about it and I knew I could do without him and I'd be okay. And I know the difference.

I guess what I've learned is that just because someone will stick around when you are at a complete loss for a life vivaciously lived as before doesn't mean they are meant to be there forever. I've had people come and go in my life and I know some of them served a certain purpose and once that was fulfilled it was time to separate or leave, sometimes painfully so. But something I've also learned is that if someone is meant to be in your life, possibly for the rest of it, they'll be there always. Even if they have to realize the loss of you and find that they can't do without you either. I lost something I thought was the answer and in the end, found a much better reason to grow. For now, that's my focus. That's where I'll go. I am everything he never thought much about and everything his parents disliked, but thats fine by me. I can look in the mirror and say I'm worth a heck of a lot more. My worth is what God thinks and at the end of the day, what I think. Between the two of us, we'll get it right and I have faith in that.