Monday, January 31, 2011

A Quickie, if you will... came at last!  So far not much has changed physically, but mentally, I am trying.  Really, I am!  I've cut out people who held me back, hurt me more than once, brought more pain than joy, that sort of thing.  That's taken guts that I didn't really think I had!  Thanks to some seriously awesome gal-pals and my mother, I've come to realize that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I have never had a problem standing up for others, but for just never clicked.  Its still a struggle not to feel guilty because I have once felt care and, dare I say, love, for these people...but I never got it back ENOUGH.  I put my heart and soul into everything I do, and not get it back in a form thats not even close?  That's not fair.  And so I am taking care to put more trust in the people I trusted before I got so hurt and not trusting new people until its been proven in some way, or God gives me peace about the relationship.  That takes patience, and anyone who knows me knows I have little.  Its a flaw I desperately try to work on!  But it is not high on my virtues list, sadly.  However, having the Snycope and the problems with Chronic Pelvic Pain and truly being told to "Be still and know that He is God" has helped me to develop more than I had before.  I am thankful for that, among many, many things I have been experiencing.  I would guess that the hardest thing for me is to accept the changes I am going through, physically.  My mind is in a COMPLETELY different place, where as my body is about 10 paces behind and a couple of floors on some days, too.  That's hard to comprehend and accept probably the most out of everything, but I have no other choice, and I pray that the company I keep won't go anywhere because I can't show up.  Its hard to explain to most people whats going on, but I know that if they are meant to be my friend, they will take it as I do. 

So, while I'm getting back into what I pray is the place God has gone ahead for me, I am going to read the books about the choreographers and the dance terms and sharpen my mind until my body is ready to do the same.  I'm going to give my mother the birthday present she wants of walking around the block.  I am going to the book store to buy the books/movies I want.  And I am going to bring my best friend her birthday gifts.  One day I'll be well enough to drive down to see another best friend and meet the man who has stolen her heart!  But right now, I'm just going to try and find the joy I used to possess in ten-folds, the girl in the pictures, the girl who knew she was a Ragamuffin, loved without loss and took in every day with a new song and a few tap steps.  Thats who I want to be. 


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